- 2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 14 oz. Eagle brand sweetened condensed milk
- 1 cup walnut halves
- 1 tsp. vanilla extract
- Line an 8 or 9-inch pan with foil or waxed paper.
- Combine chocolate chips with sweetened condensed milk in a medium, heavy duty sauce pan.
- Warm over lowest possible heat, stirring constantly until smooth.
- Remove from heat.
- Stir in nuts and vanilla extract.
- Spread evenly into prepared baking pan.
- Refrigerate for two hours or until firm. (Overnight works best).
- Lift from pan.
- Remove foil/wax paper.
- Cut into perfect squares.
I cut each chocolate square precisely — no errant rectangles! — and think of how I want to find you on the front porch of your girlhood home on South Sanborn in Mitchell, or in the sepia eyes of your grandfather, who built that house and carved its staircase by hand. But I haven’t made it out to South Dakota yet. It seems so far to go, and I am afraid of what I might find, and what it means to accept you as part of me. Instead, I look for you in Nestle chocolate chips melding with Eagle brand condensed milk on my stove, as if I’m working a conjuring spell. If only I could get the recipe right, I might resurrect you. If only I could find the metaphor in the melting.
But what I’m trying to say is less about food as a window to memory, and more about the irony of what I’m doing before I fold in walnuts and a dash of vanilla. We didn’t really know each other, you and I. I can never say my grandmother stood with me beside a stove and said, “Here’s how you make fudge.” Not that this labor should have been your job. And yet I want so badly for an alternate narrative of our family to exist. I can’t stop my heart from wanting what it wants, my embarrassing hunger for clichés
So forgive me if I don’t yet have the perfect word for what I’m doing in my kitchen this morning, not so much cooking as stirring the pot.