I received some bad news the other day. When I told other people, they immediately focused on the positives, which irritated me. The positives, while not untrue, were also a kind of erasure.
God bless my mother-in-law, who after a near lifetime as a nurse, knows something about true empathy. Her response to the bad news? Two simple, significant words. Oh. No.
Because the bad news doesn’t involve me directly, I’m not going to share it here. What I’m more interested in is writing about how we, as human beings, show up for each other in the face of bad news. What do we do? What do we say? What’s so wrong with looking on the bright side?
Despite being an expert in living with loss, I am probably insensitive and lacking in empathy more often than I know. But having lived for awhile in the shadow of progressively bad news, I do know more about what I’m looking for in terms of empathy.
So let me share a few tips with you in the spirit of making our world a kinder, less irritating place for people experiencing a crisis.
Thanks for hearing me out 🙂
1. If a person shares a medical test result or procedure with you, do not say “Well that’s better than X.” Do not talk about a procedure that someone you know is having that might be worse in your mind. Remember, suffering is suffering is suffering. This is not a competition. There are no winners. Just a lot of sufferers.
2. Don’t disappear. That means responding to texts and responding to phone calls. Bad news is coming for all of us. What you do and say to another person experiencing a crisis prepares you for the one you are going to face. Silence is not golden. It’s infuriating.
3. I know what you’ve been told about clouds and silver linings, but have you ever stopped to think about the absurdity of this expression. Sadly, there is no silver in the sky. I wish I were wrong. How cool would it be if rain was silver? But this is real life with real pollution and real boring acid rain. Just let it be.
4. I know it’s tempting to say things like, “Let me know if you need anything.” I say shit like this all the time. But after receiving the bad news that will not be named, I was so out of it that I drove the wrong way down a one-way alley –– an alley I drive every day. People in crisis don’t know what they need. They are just trying to get through the day in one piece, without a car accident or other catastrophe. Take a page from my mother-in-law. Say “oh, no.”
5. Maybe you’re in the inner circle of someone who’s going through a rough time, and you want to be involved. This is good. This is noble. You should probably be deployed to train the people who can’t be bothered to respond to texts. But please be cool with not getting updates in real-time. People who are suffering have a bigger job to do than keeping you informed. Don’t pester them.
6. It’s best not to multitask when you’re on the phone with someone in a crisis. That person can hear you checking your e-mail or yelling at your kids. Yes, you are doing your best managing the million things you need to do in a given day. But the person on the other side can sense your distraction. And it feels rude.
7. Prayers. I know you have them. I know you want to share them. Maybe you even believe the only kind of prayer worth saying employs the word “Jesus.” Guess what? I’m a Jew. And Jesus-name prayers are irrelevant to me. So please save me and/or other non-Christians in crisis from having to school you on the difference between Christianity and all other religions. We have enough to do. Send thoughts. Send good vibes. Send non-deistic cards.
8. Anger. I bet you sensed some in that last item I just wrote. It’s there. It’s unavoidable. It’s human. Be a person who makes space for others to express their anger. Express your own. Just go ahead and scream right now. Doesn’t it feel good?
9. Shame. This is the shadow side of crisis. When our lives don’t go in the direction we want, shame flows alongside us like a lazy river, but less fun. When a person shares something with you that is difficult, that person risks shame. That person likely feels shame. Don’t add to the shame-pool by telling this person what to do, think, or believe. Don’t speculate on the causes of this crisis, or what alternative means might undo it. Have the courage to face vulnerability directly. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
10. You’re probably really curious right now about this bad news that cannot be named. Stay curious. Don’t pry. People in crisis have a right to process and explore their feelings without managing yours. This isn’t a slight. This isn’t about you. Be okay with that.